How I Learned To Properly Read An Ingredients List And Stop Screwing Up My Progress / Weigh-In Monday

“Did she get tired or did she just get lazy?
She’s so far gone she feels just like a fool.
My, oh my, you sure know how to arrange things
You set it up so well, so carefully
Ain’t it funny how your new life didn’t change things
You’re still the same old girl you used to be”

I know.

It’s Tuesday, not Monday. I’m a day late. Again. Bite me.

Easter weekend with those two bank-holidays kinda threw me though. Yesterday felt like a Sunday (They were showing Harry Potter on TV for feck’s sake…everyone knows that’s a Sunday afternoon thing!) And to be honest the fact that I was only a day out is a bit of a miracle really, all things considered. I mean, it’s April now apparently, but this morning I had to brush a load of snow off of my window-ledge so I could feed the birds. Yes, snow. And then the sun came out and I had to put sunscreen on in order to leave the house because I’ve been throwing enough acids at my face lately for it to be considered a hate crime. Snow and sun? This ain’t freaking Chamonix, universe. Get your shit together will ya?

Not that I’ve got my own shit even remotely together right now. This whole last week has been a bit of a miserable crap-fest for me. I’ve pretty much been relegated to the sofa for the past 7 days, with some really bloody annoying nerve pain and muscle spasms all down my left leg. Like, it was pretty funny at times when I got up to use the bathroom, my leg muscle would spaz out and I’d just collapse into whatever was next to me (the other half laughed quite a bit when I fell into a bookshelf and knocked all the books off and then headbutted the door – who wouldn’t find that funny?) but the Michael J. Fox routine soon got annoying so I basically just stayed put for the most part, doubled up on the diazepam and tried to sleep for as many hours as I could each day.

As for food, well I just couldn’t be bothered with it. I ate a couple of proper meals, but mostly I just decided to be super lazy and rely on snacky stuff. Handfuls of sliced ham, a bit of cheese, bags of pork puffs, nut butter and protein bars. Yes, I know this isn’t a normal healthy way to eat and no it isn’t my normal eating pattern, but I really had zero fricks to give this week and figured I was still eating ‘on-plan’ foods.

At least, I thought I was.

Yeah, well that didn’t turn out to be exactly right. You see, I’ve been including some protein brownies in my food intake ever since I pretty much started to eat low-carb. The label said that they contained 0.5g of sugar in them and I’d not had any problems with them over the past 7 months so I had no reason to think that they weren’t okay for me. But a few days ago I ate one with a cup of coffee a few hours after I’d gotten up and about 30 minutes afterwards, I started to feel a bit hungry. Knowing this was a bit odd my mind immediately dialled into that and started to get suspicious:

“That’s weird. I shouldn’t be hungry. I’ve eaten. I should be good for another few hours. Hmm…strange!”

At first I just put it down to my having upped some of my medications and grabbed some ham and cheese to stave off the starvo monster. But then later on, being the lazy bish that I was, I decided that instead of a real dinner I’d just have another brownie with coffee. (Yes, a shitty food choice, but you’re not my real dad, you can’t tell me what to do…or what to eat!) But again, not long after eating I felt the same hunger kicking in. And I knew that this wasn’t proper hunger, but those old sugar-craving pangs of old.

“This isn’t right! Have these things been reformulated on the sly? Have they increased the amount of maltitol in them or something?”

I don’t really have any problems with maltitol normally. At least I hadn’t up until now, but the packet didn’t stipulate the amount of sugar alcohols in each brownie, so I logged onto Amazon where I bought them and had a look for the nutritional breakdown on there. And what I actually found, sorta blew my mind:

“Less than 1g of sugar…blah blah blah…20g of protein…blah blah blah…3.3g of fibre…blah blah blah…and there’s only 24g of carbohydrates primarily from low GI oat flour.”

I’m sorry, there’s what in there now?

“24g of carbohydrates primarily from low GI oat flour.”


So I fished one out from the bottomless sack of protein bars that live under my living room table and looked a little more closely at the ingredients wrapper. Now, I don’t think I’ve told y’all this before, but I have pretty crappy eyesight that both struggles with tiny things up close, as well as not being able to make out most things in the distance. Don’t worry, I don’t drive a car or anything that could truly endanger others via my sensory deficiencies, but I am supposed to wear glasses to improve this little affliction. Only, I don’t. Because there isn’t a single pair of glasses out there that I don’t look a like a total penis in; so my vanity just precludes me from having better vision. It’s no big deal, if I can’t see something far away I either move closer to it (pro tip there folks – you’re welcome) or ask someone else to deal with it. Up close when reading I’m okay usually, but small print often just becomes that cliched blurb of ‘frick-knows-what’, that I’m either signing away the rights to my firstborn to (joke’s on them, because I’ve been sterilised) or overlooking the get-out-clauses that prevent me from suing a manufacturer once their product poisons me or makes all my hair fall out.

And upon closer inspection, I could see that it did indeed say that the product contained oat flour…an ingredient that I’d previously taken to say oat fibre which would have been fine. So yeah, it turns out that for the past 7 months I’ve been eating these things which contain within them “only 24g of carbohydrates primarily from low GI oat flour!” Fricking “only”. Get the frick out of here with your attempt to minimalize your bullshit, brownies. THAT’S MORE THAN MY DAILY CARB ALLOWANCE YOU TINY-PRINTED MISBEGOTTEN SNACKY-CAKE OF SATAN!! Urgh!

I mean sure, it wasn’t their fault that my macular shortcomings had caused me to misread an ingredient, but I’m a hormonally imbalanced harridan who can’t seem to do right, for going wrong, and this whole debacle has kind of brought out the inner Karen in me. Yes I’m to blame, but no, I’m not in the mood to be so magnanimous in my own defeat here. I’ve been eating that crap for months now. (Although I did read one comment about them having recently reformulated the recipe, rendering them no longer filing and satiating, so maybe this is a new thing and I’ve only just detected the extra carbs in my current batch? Possibly. It’d make sense I suppose, but they don’t taste any different to me since the first time I ate one, so I could just be clutching at straws.)

So there you go. That was my rather unsettling ‘moment of truth’ this week that pissed me off to no end. Because I now have to give those brownies up and they were one of my favourite (allegedly…but not really…grr…) low-carb snacks. They were seriously dense and filling, made for a convenient meal replacement when I literally couldn’t be bothered to move my fat arse and find something else to eat, and they tasted really good too. I’ve probably got about 30 of them in my stash because they were on a monthly reorder thing from Amazon, but I guess they’re going to have to go to the other half to consume now instead. FML.

Anyway, enough cathartic caterwauling for now, time to do this week’s weigh-in. Last week I was 14 stone 12lb (208lb) and this week the scale says…well it sort of keeps flashing between 14 stone 11lb and 14 stone 12lb; and if you’ve been around here long enough, you’ll know that we don’t deal in half-measures whatsoever here at Hydrangea Heights. That goes for weigh-ins too, so we’ll just round it up to the higher number and call this last week a flat maintain. Which, when you consider how many of those aforementioned protein brownies I ate over the last 7 days and how many carbs I must have been inadvertently consuming, is actually quite impressive, lol.

Going forward though, we’ll just have to be more careful when studying nutritional panels and not just read what we think sounds good, only for it to turn out to be another comestible nemesis-in-waiting. All jokes aside though, it is what it is and life goes on. I’m not going to be losing any sleep over this…but then I get prescribed plenty of hypnotics, narcotics and whatnot to out-snooze Rip van Winkle, any day, so lack of sleep is never really much of an issue with me. If I got any more ‘beauty sleep’ I’d be a freaking supermodel, and that just wouldn’t be fair to the rest of you. (Never let it be said that I’m anything else than a 24 karat gold humanitarian folks – once again: you’re welcome!)

But that pretty much wraps up this week’s weigh-in update I think. Now that I’ve realised that we’re actually on Tuesday, I’m going to have to go check out the meat and produce in the fridge because some of it might have gone beyond the ‘use-by’ date and will have to get flung out for the sea-gulls to feast upon. (I swear I have cultivated the most spoiled, bougie birdies in my locale; they actually turn their noses up at bread now, fully aware of the bountiful alternatives that lie just beyond my window. Bless!)

So wherever you are in the world, I hope that the gods of weight-loss are smiling down upon y’all, and you’re paying proper attention to your food labels. I’m here making these mistakes for y’all, so you don’t have to.

Stay attentive folks


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